Author: Primetime Admin

VFL power rankings through three weeks

Our own Mrr Oh1o put together a panel of people from each team in the league. He had them rank each team on a 1-10 scale with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best to come up with these rankings. Below is the result of those rankings. The members were 7 owners and 3 team reps.

  1. WFT 20-7 96 pts (7)
    2.Bengals 20-7 88 pts (1)
  2. Raiders 16-11 77 pts (1)
  3. Saints 16-11 57 pts
  4. Dolphins 12-15 55 pts
  5. Eagles 11-14 49 pts
  6. Colts 11-15 48 pts (1)
  7. Steelers 10-16 38 pts
  8. Patriots 7-20 22 pts
  9. Falcons 10-17 20 pts

Week 3 power poll.

Take em out to pasture: the Colts

I don’t even want to write this article. That’s how awful this team is. A Gm who tried to troll his way out of the job, teammates who don’t want to be there, the richest man in the VFL, a staff member accused of being toxic, and a medical condition that you should truly go see a doctor for. Who thought this sounded like a good team to draft. A Cat, that’s who. Fucking Meow Grof, also known as he who shall not be named, the owner who traded his own grandpa. Cats just fucking suck, I said it, come at me.

We really thought this was a good idea for owner. TWICE!

The owners line. What can I say about this group. First off, how the FUCK did yall let Rigs get so many yards and touchdowns last season? Yes you, reading this, I am talking about you specifically. Sure as shit wasn’t my line. Rigs got put in a snuggie by good ole Brisket, that beautiful man mmmmm. Anyways, no clue what yall are trying to do, but do better, I expect nothing more than an under 30th place finish for Rigs this season. Then there is the quarterback, if his drafting skills show us anything, its that he aint got a fucking clue what he is doing. Just out there pressing A to handoff to rigs, and then closing his eyes and saying please Jesus don’t let this be picked. Atrocious. Meow Minotaur runs routes like a damn bull in a china shop so the name kinda fits. Dumb cat + bull =what the fuck. 3-9 line FOR SURE.

Rumor of highwalker investing all in Luna. Bad move CryptoBro

Ace, Highwalker, and Rusty. Interesting decision by the guy that scratches posts here. Before we get into the juicy bits, lets talk Rusty. The RB that led this 2/3 to a Superbowl win over the other 1/3. A very good DC that can confuse QBs by running a lot of different looks on defense. Not to mention he runs good routes and doesn’t get to fancy with the ball. Think Peyton Hillis when running. He will definitely be the bread and butter of this line….if it is a line (that’s foreshadowing dumbasses). The Bill Gates of the VFL is our next target. I am utterly confident that he just grabbed wads of hundreds out of his pocket change and gave them to the other team to give him catches and ints last season. Nothing else explains it. I spotted highwalker catching balls from the JUGs machine (he looked disheveled, hair a mess, like he hadn’t slept in days) and got a couple words in. “I’m done for bro, I put all my money in Luna and those fucking cucks screwed me. I have nothing left, I’m broke.” Well, looks like that’s the end of his career, no more all-star days from that wr. Lastly we have Ace. He was the Superbowl runner up last season, although I’m shocked he ever sent a line in to even play in the bowl. Great QB that made the mistake of playing with Mr. “make my QBs throw a billion picks”. Rumor has it Ace and Walker Texas Ranger can’t get along and one of them is on the outs. This line went straight Hiroshima fast.

The last time we saw Marc at QB, it went well

Marcdog, Willy, and Pstain. Kinda sounds like a really bad 80s boy band if you ask me. Willy is the goat at RB, bar none. Don’t argue with me, I write the articles therefore I am the law so shut up. Last time we saw Marcdog at QB he had an undefeated playoff run with the Chiefs and then decided to stop. When i asked him why he switched positions he said “Listen, I had enough of the QB life, people try to hit me all day. Plus being so great that all I do is piss excellence is tough, ya know?” Real humble, that Marc guy. Go back to the funky bunch and singing about good vibrations pal. Pstain, seriously go to the hospital dude, we are all concerned. Last season, was it all Ponchy, or was it Pstains greatness. We shall soon see. I look for this line to carry this team to the playoffs.

I look for this team to go 10-26 to the playoffs. Where highwalkers lies about paying opponents while he is broke will catch up to them and the Colts get curbstomped out of round 1.

The Dolphins, drowning in a sea of excrement.

What do you get when you combine the leagues two greatest trolls, the most traded player in VFL history, and whatever the hell a Blunkey is? Hot, hot garbage, that’s what. Frankly, I am not sure where to start with this team. It is completely embarassing to call this a team.

I guess might as well start with line one. One of the greatest WR to play in the VFL has switched to QB for the season. Gabe is a super intelligent player and knows the game inside and out. He truly may be the best madden player around. However he has Kuhrow at WR. For three of the last 4 seasons, Kuhrows QBs have led the league in INTs. I don’t see that trend changing, because I always bet on the garbage. With no gunslinger to speak of, I believe this season Kuhrow will complain about the dolphins 68ovr average offensive line. By the end of week one, I see Kuhrow shoving Gabe to the bench and playing QB himself and throwing to himself because “the 12x mvp, 32x Wroty doesnt need a damn quarterback, i am the greatest QB to not play QB this year. QB is super easy, that’s why I never sign up as one.” As I left the field talking to them Kuhrow grabbed me for a quote and said “I am going to make the whole league take a deuce in their pants.” Dumbfounded, I stared and asked “Why, wouldn’t you just say make them shit themselves like normal trash talk?” I was forced to walk away shaking my head.

Kuhrow used his GM money to get a nice shiny new facility

Line 2 has another first time QB on their hands. Destined to rival the leagues current interception record is Ebok. From a great Rb to the QB switch, I’m starting to sense a trend of “We don’t give a shit we are doing whatever.” This writer can’t deny being a little perturbed that the Dolphins are clearly aiming to beat out the Eagles as the first 0-36 team in league history. I won’t stand for this. Ebok will be throwing to Bwall a WR I have wanted to play with since my 2 day practice window I had with him before he was unceremoniously removed from the Bucs way back in season 2. The man is very good at getting open, but will he be able to stand Eboks constant trolling? The rub on all this is Ebok is bound to be suspended by week 2 when him and Kuhrow file random tickets on each other despite playing on the same team. These two frenemies just can’t get out of each others way.

Line 3 has Mr. Blunkey at the helm. this singer/QB needs to get his act together as rumor has it Ebok is already looking for his replacement. Working with a great WR in Never Practices, who as his name suggests….doesn’t practice . What he will do, is get very upset if he doesn’t get his receiving yards so you better step your game up Blunkey. Can he make it work, my calculations put it at a 33.33% chance of success, repeating of course. Leroy Jenkins couldn’t help this team out if he tried. Of course, I will not go once this season without mentioning Blunkey without referencing his beautiful song. Run off into the sunset little Sebastian.

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about the teams running back trio. Smoove is a monster of a runningback. Picking up DaAccountant to do the teams taxes, and harass QBs was a genius move. And T1anime is a nose to the grindstone type of worker that I love.

The $aints come Marching

“The Jake Paul of the VFL” is taking his third stab at owner this season after two seasons that you could say were….disappointing at the least. Luckyy started things off with tabbing runningback Del as his GM. Rumors that Del thought he got blacklisted if he turned down a GM spot and didn’t know that some of the Saints players were bugged are not a great way to start things off.

I’ll be honest here. I am not sure what the lines are overall, but assuming line one is Luckyy, Del, and r3dhour. This line has some chemistry from last season with the Chiefs when Mr. Paul and R3d played together. Good news, reports today stated Luckyy can make his fgs now. Bad news, you still gotta get in fg range. Del is a good runningback and an awful defensive line user. *Sidenote: I only say this because he stopped every run play I called for negative yardage last season so screw that guy.” With good defensive users and a great defensive roster, this line should cause some problems… for absolutely NOBODY.

Line 2 is headed by Ponchy, the only max bid to actually PAY a team to let him play for them. Pairing him with Outaker at WR/DL and Brisket at RB/DB is a good pairing. However we all know Ponchy HATES his users so Luckyy could have drafted literal potatoes here and there would be no difference offensively. Outaker is an amazing DL user, but how will not being able to peek into the opposing teams locker rooms affect his skill? it is yet to be known. Brisket is one of my favorite WRs in the league, I have a slight mancrush on his especially after he put me on his broad muscular back last season and whisked me away during those lonely starry nights. God the things I would… whops getting carried away those thoughts are for my *secret* site.

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Frankly, I don’t think its fair that we are letting Beaste play for two teams this season. It’s wrong and a travesty. Wait, what the fuck is a mocarbone? I have on good authority that it is Beaste. Have they ever been in a party together? Didn’t think so. MocarBeaste should have a good statiscial season with self proclaimed MVP Kwam3 and Jacc on his line. These boys are all business and have a winning pedigree that should help carry this squad to new heights.

I truly don’t know if its Mo, Beaste, or some to be named third person playing on this account

I see this team winning 8 games this season, sneaking into the playoffs and going full on Bountygate and paying other teams to lose en route to a superbowl appearance.

Hide your kids, Hide your wife, Cuz he’s Robin everyone out here.

Returning to the league is one of our resident bad boys of the league. Please stop swooning ladies, I know its hard to resist. He’s the man, the myth, the one man who is willingly taking up the name of second fiddle, RobinBanks.

This writer caught up with Mr. Banks about his recent draft and how he feels about his team. “I’m ready to get to work and super excited about the Falcons. I feel my skill level deserved a higher draft slot, its revenge season.” I feel a connection with Robin due to his fandom of the Baltimore Ravens, but if we see him in a white suite, it may be time to run the other way.

Ya, nope, not getting me today Satan

Banks has been suspended a couple times, and as such was a bit of a risk to draft. This question had to come up in our interview process, here is what he had to say. “I’m nearing 30 years old and had to realize I can’t always get my way, even when I feel something is wrong. There won’t be any issues with me this season.”

Switching to RB from QB is an interesting, if not completely difficult switch and Banks has his sights set high. “I want that RBOTY award, playing with my buddy dirty falcon, whos an amazing QB allows me to be a dual threat.” I’m not so sure about desiring to play with a QB whos name is synonymous with “Trash Trash” is the right move, but hey more power to ya.

Banks, seen here at the practice facility, trying to take a handoff from Falcons

Asked for any last words, “I’m very excited for this season. Falcons had a great playoff run and should have played in game 7. He knows I will do my part. This season is all about dominating!” Yes, We all know his line wouldn’t have shaded outside on the goaline. To soon? Hell no.

All I know, when it’s time for other defenses to put their deposit in the bank, they need to watch out, because the Falcons are gonna be Robin.

The Washington Redskins,Football Team, Commanders are the greatest, and they are telling everyone.

If you’ve been in the league for more than thirty seconds, I am sure you have heard all about how great the Washington Commanders team is. Whether its THREE THOUSAND TIME SUPERBOWL CHAMP Beaste owning the team, or REGULAR SEASON GOAT Champ as the max bid QB, there certainly is a lot of reason for optimism.

Have to start off things here with Beaste and his line. I caught up with Beaste after his prolonged vacation for a rather awkward interview. “I’m back from my BULLSHIT suspension and im gonna fu….” I noticed him look over his shoulder and see the league staff with their ban hammer at the ready and he got oddly quiet. Paired with his brother, who doesn’t speak for himself becuase Beaste does that for him, and Clutchking this line is going to be very formidable. My prediction, this line goes 5-0 until Beaste ends up taking another early vacation, then 0-7 to finish things out.

Beaste spent his offseason time looking menacingly off in the distance

Line two is an old retread in the League, Champ, Farah, and Klay. This line has often produced great regular seasons, and not so great playoff runs. Champ is a regular MVP candidate every season. I attempted to reach Farah for comment, however he was far to busy gagging on the WFT roster to get any kind of intelligent response out. I predict this line has at least two season award winners at the end of the year and somehow ends up with negative playoff wins. While leaving the locker room I swear I heard someone moaning “Apke!….Ya Forest you can have my box of chocolates!” Disturbing.

Yes, I would advise running to if I saw Farah coming into the building

Line 3 is an interesting one. League legend KoolAidz is back on this madden for a whopping THREE whole days. Man is a super intelligent QB, great decision maker. So much so, that he bought a damn Xbox one S instead of a Series S. I understand KoolWhip, life is hard. However he did correct this on draft day, I’m not bitter or anything not like my team was gonna draft him if he had the right console. (Fuck You) Paired with a human highlight reel in ungluedTiger should make for one hell of a squad. Although i am extremely concerned with the type of activites Mr. Tiger gets up to with a name like that, worst case is he fits right in. This line 100% is carrying this team to the promised land after everyone else falls apart after Beastes inevitable ban.

Qb and Rb showing so much love

Child as the number 1 pick? Please

Sav and the Steelers decided to open up the season 5 draft with a shocker. I had heard many names thrown around as potential number 1 picks. There were superbowl winning QBs from the Packers, Great WRs, DL players, but all of those were passed upon. Sav Sprinted to the podium, making his pick within about 10 seconds of being on the clock and threw down ChildPlease.

This reporter has a lot of experience with Child from our time together on the Cowboys, where he was my runningback. This is why, while some may be shocked, I actually love the pick. During this time, Child was always instrumental to the play calls. He was like having a second QB in the room. Although occasionally he liked to give defensive linemen free hugs.

Week 4 the plan was for him to take over at QB to give my arm a rest before the playoffs, but we decided against that. The rest was history with an epic playoff collapse by our team.

Last season I thought he was going to be a QB before being forced out of the spot, which i feel was a massive mistake. Child runs a similar offense to mine, but is much smarter with his reads and plays. Rarely making mistakes, he could be a great fit for the steelers team.

The biggest question is whether or not Ben will be fast enough to accommodate the QB wrap, and read option offense child likes so much. My guess is he will have to adjust a fair bit in that regard to change some things up.

Ive slobbed on Child a good amount in this article, but heres the rub. I really, really dont like the overall configuration of these users. Could this team come out to shock everyone? sure. As of right now you have a former MVP hopeful QB playing rb in Breesus. You have two of the league worst chargers QBs filling out the QB room, and you’ve got overall a lot of that chargers roster. I am hoping it works out better than last season or child may be enjoying some Cancun time early this season

The Eagles have (crash) landed

Now that the draft has concluded, I was asked for a season preview of the Eagles. Well it may be a season review already, because this shit might be cooked. Led be fearless leader Areis x21, the Eagles are potentially set to make history this season, but lets get into the players first.

Areis seen here after leaving the training facility

Areis and gm Hutch have played together for as long as this writer can remember, which isn’t very long but I digress. A great duo that is always counted on to put up some great stats, yes I can hear farah shouting bum hunting from here, they are going to be relied on to lead this team. Do they put up the monster win totals? More likely they put up a fat old goose egg, and Areis still is in the db of the year talk for some reason. Rounding out this line with King Jon, who I personally feel extremely sorry for, he will be expected to carry these two stat hounds on his back to victory.

Taking the if we can’t beat em, max bid em strategy, Areis max bid GrandpaWarpath. Probably not the smartest move since Areis was once known as saying “I just lost to something called a GrandpaWarpath, my career is over.” They paired him up with JPxProdigie, a man who rarely has had good qbs and im afraid it isnt going to start now. Rounding out this line is Goodfella, who reports are has had to be restrained in the locker room as he is like a horny teenager. Can JP make due with the Eagles menagerie of midget DBs? only time, or myself, will tell. (pst. the answers fuck no!)

Artist rendering of JP trying to tackle the saints mark ingram, normally a diminutive human

Line 3 in all reality is going to have to carry this team. Underrated league veteran Kdot will be harassing qbs and defenses alike as a rb/dl user. As one of the leagues better sack artists last year he should be excellent at getting Cox through the tightest of holes. Sneaking onto the team are Playstation players Slickthumbs (YSK till we die), and iclap. The team will probably miss week one after getting THE clap during our team bonding exercise, but these three guys may shock a few and ruin the 0-36 plan.

No one can predict a season outright, but i am awfully confident that this is a dumpster fire just waiting to be lit on fire, highlight of the season will probably be watching gen chat between Areis and whoever he’s arguing with today.

To Blunk or not to Blunk

That is the question. This writer spoke to the almost Mr. Irrelevant, although he was beating down my door pre draft for an interview, to see how he felt about he draft slot, team, and being the small dog in a qb room with Ebok and Gabe.

Asked for his season goals, Blunkey listed he wanted to “perfect all the pre snap skills like reading defenses, blocking adjustments, etc.” and to “learn to go through my reads correctly.” While Blunkey seems pretty confident in his ability to learn these things. going through reads correctly is a pretty vital QB skill.

One thing i learned quickly about Blunkey is that he is definitely a very hard worker as he kept mentioning how hard he wants to work to improve, and how he “wanted to thank his family and friends that supported him through this journey.”

Blunkey did mention being shocked at his draft slot. ” I feel like I deserved to go higher than some of the guys, especially after winning a playoff game, but at the end of the day I’m just glad to be drafted.” Hopefully with all the hard work and preparation we are looking at more of a Dan Marino than a Tua Tagovailoa

Asked about playing with Ebok again for a second season he stated that he is “weird sometimes but at the end of the day thats my brother, thats my dog right there. If he hurt, I’m hurt, if he up im up.” This reporter isn’t quite sure what the hell this means, but we are rolling with it.

Speaking to Ebok, he let me know that he doesnt understand what Blunkey is talking about either, that he is “ass, delusional, and may be traded before week 1 is even over. I had nothing but anger in my heart when i drafted him” Shocked at these harsh words for the new guy i asked what made him think of this. Seething red with rage Ebok told me that Blunkey should “stick to writing songs.”

Go and Run away indeed sir.

VBA Media Throwbacks

I’ve found some old content that I figured you would all enjoy.